More Reincarnation AU For deadlyhairpin

[intheashes]

It had been a few months that he had been living with Byeong-Lee. It had been a difficult transition for him, to go from a life spent in the military to the life of a civilian. He did he best not to cause too much problems for his lover. He'd been a handful in one life. He couldn't bare to be one in this one. So he did his best to find good (safe) work and be there for the doctor like the doctor was for him.

Most times, when he would leave the house they shared, he would leave a note, telling the doctor where he was going and when to expect him back. It was a habit from the army. But the call had been sudden and he hadn't the chance to write anything. He had rushed out the door to his Uber to get to his sudden interview. He hadn't thought it would take as long as it had.

Hours later, he still wasn't home. It was dark by the time he got out of a highly successful interview. He had promised to call back after he discussed things with his partner. From there, he had run into an old Army buddy in town. He hadn't seen the man in forever. The young Navajo man had been his spotter for a while in Afghanistan. So he had ended up catching up with him. John had to wonder if he remembered yet... Now that John did, he was starting to recognize people from then. He wasn't going to disturb Running Bear though.

He had thought to text Byeong-Lee only to realize that in his rush, he had left his cellphone at home, right on the dining room table. Just abandoned there along with the house keys.

But the time the Uber finally pulls back up to the house, he's not just a couple minutes late. It's more like hours and hours. It's dark and almost 10 at night. The lights are on in the house. The lights are on and the door is still unlocked, which is utterly fortunate. Fortunate but strange. He can't remember the last time Byeong-Lee came home and didn't lock the door immediately. And he knows the man is there because his car is in the driveway.

John lets himself in, calling into the foyer. "Hey there. I'm home!" Only, he sees no sign of his lover in the living room. Probably in the library then, since the TV is off. So he's just going to make his way to his second favorite room in the house, looking for his lover.

Comments

[deadlyhairpin]

Byeong-Lee goes still. The same sort of preternatural stillness he used to have when he was Billy and he was on the verge of either quietly falling apart or even more quietly planning to kill someone. It was never a good sign, then. And it wasn't a good sign now, either. "A job with the police," he repeats, trying to figure out what it sounded like in his own voice. The stillness continues as he goes silent, after that. And then, finally, he sits up and stares at the man beneath him.

"No." And for a second, that seems like all he's going to say. But then he is pulling away from his Goody-his John- and is scrambling to his feet just to get up and toward the other side of the room. Where he goes still, all over again.

"No. No, for fucks sake, Goody!" He turns and he's not crying, but he should be for all the pain on his face. At this point, he feels like he's run dry.

"How many months did I have to sit here and wait to hear if you'd been shot or blown apart? You were over there without me and I could have lost you all over again! And now you're going to come back and have a job where the same thing could happen again?" He's shouting, unable to control his volume both due to the alcohol in his system and the pain clawing at him from inside.

"I failed you, then. I swore I would protect you and you died right next to me. I failed you. I can't fail you again. Please. Please. I can't lose you again, Goody. I can't. This is my chance to do what I was meant to. How can I do that if you go where I can't follow?"

[intheashes]

He knows deep down that the silence was a problem. The unnatural stillness is a warning, heard clear as the bell in the tower. He keeps his motions slow and careful, keeps his expression neutral even as his lover repeats those words. Words he should feel proud for, because a police agency wants him, but instead makes him feel a bit of dread with how Billy was reacting to it.

This was why he had asked for the man not to be mad at him.

Billy says no. Byeong-Lee says no and is pulling away. He reaches after him as if to try and catch his hand but it's too late. He can only sit there and get yelled at. Yelled at for trying to contribute. He has the good sense to look guilty for putting his lover in that much pain. He sits there and lets the man yell his hurt out. Say all those things he's always needing to say.

He takes a slow breath and stands. He stands and carefully makes his way over to the yelling man. He knows how hard it had been when he had been deployed. They'd had a hell of an argument over Skype video because he had nearly refused his one month of holiday leave. He doesn't know what to do so he just grabs Billy and pulls him hard against his chest.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, cher. It's just...I don't know how to do anything else and it's not like before. Before I could help you in so many small ways. But here and now...I can't. I'm useless and I feel like all I do is take up space. It's supposed to be 50-50 but I'm not doing anything at all." He hugs the man tighter. "I just want to be able to help you like you always help me. If you don't want me to take it, I won't. I will find something else. But I promise, you won't lose me again."

[deadlyhairpin]

"I don't care if you aren't fighting for me in saloons, this time around," he cries into John's neck. His head is buried there, wetness starting to seep out from the site once more. His hands are claws, digging into his back, refusing to let Goody move even an inch away. "You help me by being here. You help me by being safe and being here and...please. Please don't risk your life again. I won't survive it. I can't lose you again."

His head pulls back, eyes red and swollen as he looks at Goody.

"I promised then that I would protect you. I promised I would keep the owl away and keep you safe and I failed. Do you know how you died?" His face contorted with pain, eyes shutting so hard that he saw spots against the darkness of his lids. "Eight shots in your torso. You fell from the tower down onto the hard ground. You might have been alive as you hit. As you toppled down, breaking bones along the way. And when you died, you died alone. We both died alone. I promised that I was going to protect you and I failed. I failed then and I can't... I can't fail when I have been given a second chance."

His eyes open, forehead pressing into his lover's, body shaking from the emotion he's barely reigning in. "You can't promise me that you'll be safe. You can't promise that. You don't know. You can never know." His fingertips are leaving ten bruises on Goody's back, but he can't let go. "You're my world, Goody. If I lose you, I lose everything."

[intheashes]

Billy is clinging to him so hard. It's like a man drowning and holding tight to the one thing that will keep him afloat. Those tears. That look in the doctor's eyes. That alone keeps him right where he is. Keeps him from even voicing that that grip is starting to hurt him. Billy is hurting more. Byeong-Lee is hurting more. What are ten perfect bruises against his back in the face of the pain that his lover is feeling. They are nothing.

It means nothing because Billy is suffering.

He goes a little pale at the question. It's the one thing he avoids as much as possible. He knows he died and he knows he fell. Those fingertips are digging into the spot where he had finally landed, so hard on the ground that his spine shattered. He had been in utter agony when he breathed his last. He had told Billy. Told him that the owl had been a warning. That when he pulled the trigger in violence again he would die a truly terrible death. He had not been wrong.

He shivers just thinking about it and then forces that away. He'll deal with it another time. Right now, it's about his Billy. His Byeong-Lee. His hand goes up and into Billy's hair, just stroking though it. "You didn't fail me. You protected me so many times. I could have stayed gone back then. But I didn't. I didn't because I realized I couldn't be without you. I knew when I turned around, I wouldn't make it out of it. I knew that. But I came back anyway because there was no man in the world I would have rather spent my last moments on Earth with. I didn't come back for Sam. I didn't come back for Emma or the town. I didn't even come back for me. I came back because where you were is where I should be. And I've come back now too. Because where you are is where I want to be."

And while he wants to contribute, he wants to do more than just sit at home and sponge of the doctor's good graces, he knows that if it means stopping those tears, he will happily stay right where he is. This wasn't the old west and being a house husband was perfectly acceptable. "So I'll call them up. I'll call them up right now and tell them thank you for the offer but no thank you. I'll do that for you. I won't make you cry again. I won't make you lose me because I was stupid and let my pride get me into something I shouldn't have been near."

[deadlyhairpin]

Even through his pain, he knows it's not fair for him to do this to Goody. To John. Just like Billy and Goody had their chance to live as they wanted, so should he and John. And if John wanted to have a career, who was he to stop him? Who was he to run the other man's life like that? He couldn't. He shouldn't.

But for the moment, he couldn't say it was alright. Not unless he was willing to lie through his teeth.

"Give me... Give me some time to think about it," he says, even though he doesn't want to. His hands are still clawing. Desperate to hold onto the one good thing he has. The second chance he was given and had no idea what to do with other than covet and protect as he couldn't, before. "I don't want you to be miserable. I....can't have you resenting me down the line because I kept you from what you wanted..."

But he can't say it's alright. He can't lie to John like that. Not right now.

He pulls back with a shaky exhale, eyes red, swollen, but begging silently. "I...Goody," he begs, knowing that this wasn't fair, either; calling for someone long dead when he should be letting the pair of them work together. "Goody. I just...I can't think about it tonight. I thought I lost you, again. I can't think about this, now. I just...want to hold you and go to sleep. Can we do that?"

[intheashes]

He nods and just squeezes the man all the stronger. "I'll give you all the time you need, cher. And I love you. I'd never resent you. Not then. Not now. Not ever." With each not, he presses a soft kiss to the doctor's face. While he can't say he wouldn't be miserable stuck here in the house, unable to do anything to help out financially, he would be more so to see Billy cry. He never wants to see that ever again if he can help it.

So when Billy asks for Goody. When Billy begs for Goody, it's Goody he'll get. John can just go to sleep or watch or whatever his present wants. He's going to give his love whatever he needs. "That's fine, cher. I won't make you. And I promise you. I swear on the soul of my daddy and his daddy and all my brothers that I won't ever go away. You won't lose me. I would never leave you, mon coeur. Leaving you would kill me."

He gives the man a soft kiss. "We can do that. We can do that, Billy. Let's take you to bed." He slides his arms down and starts to lightly push those hands off of him. "You'll have to let go for a little. But soon as we reach the bed, you can hold on again, as hard as you want. Okay? But you have to let go first. I will be right here though. Right here. I won't disappear or go anywhere else other than our bed."

[deadlyhairpin]

He's somewhere in between, now. Byeong-Lee's emotional openness mixed with all the things Billy's regretted for so long. All the things he's harbored and held onto, never knowing if he was going to have the chance to make things right with the man he had loved more than anything in his entire life. Byeong-Lee is innocent in this. He's never been hurt like Billy was. Not in the same way. He's never had failure like Billy has. But he's more than willing to help him express it to the man he feels he owes so much. Who he needs to take care of before anyone else.

He hiccups a bit as he leans back, silently. His hands release Goody and he slowly stands up before grabbing Goody's hand and helping him to do the same. The library was close enough to their bedroom. Something that frustrated Byeong-Lee when he'd wake up and find his lover missing and the light to the room peeking out through under the door. But now it's a blessing.

He walks on heavy feet over to the bedroom and barely even makes an effort to pull down the sheets or remove his clothes before flopping onto it and looking at Goody with open expectations. He holds his arms open, not even blinking his eyes.

"I'm holding you to your promises, Goody," a voice that is completely Billy's rings out, complete with the accent he knows well enough now how to hide. "Just as you should hold me to mine. We were given this one chance. We can't waste it."

[intheashes]

With Goody so prominent that for a moment, he nearly marvels at everything. But he ignores them because there is something far more important to pay attention to. That being his Billy. His darling Billy who was hurting.

He watches the man fall into the bed and hold his arms out. He doesn't hesitate to come to him. To just crawl in, not even caring about getting his cloths off. Billy is more important than his personal comfort. He just climbs right next to the man and wraps his arms around him to pull him close. He tangles their legs together and snuggles closer before he starts threading his hands through the man's hair.

"Oh, you have no need to worry about cher. This time, we'll keep each other on the level. We'll do better this time around. I won't ruin it because of my ego."

[deadlyhairpin]

His eyes shut slowly, nothing like pets to his hair for putting him in the mood for sleep. "Goody," he purrs, settling in closer, nose pressed right above the other man's heart. To think just a few hours ago he thought he'd never see this again. Never hear it. Never feel it for as long as he lived. How had he not thrown himself off a cliff at the mere thought of such a separation? It defied reason.

With a small exhale, he leans his head up and kisses the bottom of his lover's jaw, soft. "I should have known you wouldn't leave me," he says. Because he should have. Goody didn't just up and leave for no reason. And, before, his reasons for leaving had been various and convincing. This? An off week? He should have known better than to think it would have cause his strong lover to turn tail and leave him behind. But that reminded him...

"I am sorry," and it's meant more for John than for Goody, but he's not about to let go of what he has now for that distinction. "It was... a rough week and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have. You're the best thing that I've ever had. I shouldn't have treated you like you were nothing. You would have been right to leave." His body tenses just at the thought.

"But I'm glad you didn't."

[intheashes]

He keeps stroking the man's hair. He smiles gently at the soft kisses and he stops the pets just to give the man a strong warm squeeze. "Billy. Darlin'. Do you remember? Remember when he had our very first fight? After, we promised that from then on, we'd discuss our differences like gentlemen?" His drawl is lazy and soft in his reminiscing.

The final fight they had had. The words Billy has thrown at him...it had hurt him so much and he had run away. He had fled, just as he had that night they had first fought. But that night, Billy had not come after him. Billy had chosen to stay in Rose Creek and die. Die without him. And so he had turned around. Because he hadn't wanted Billy to die alone and because he couldn't imagine living without him.

"I think maybe we need to do that now. When your day is bad, you talk to me. Even if you can't talk about your patients, you still talk to me. I don't know what's wrong if you don't tell me. You promise me, mon coeur? You promise me you'll talk to me from now on? Cause I'm not going to leave you. Not for anything."

[deadlyhairpin]

It's a fair thing to request. In the old days, it was sometimes the only thing that kept them together when things got bad. Their first fight had been so bitter and full of so much anger that could have been dealt with better and easier earlier on. Their promise to each other had been an agreement between partners, but as things developed, it became the hallmark of their relationship's success.

He has no idea why he'd sacrificed it, now. Perhaps it had something to do with how things ended. With all the lies and anger he'd hurled Goody's way to make sure he left in a hurry. The apologies left unsaid, forever quieted at the hands of a Gatling gun.

Billy exhales, shakily, and turns into Goody as his thoughts go dark.

"I promise you. I promise you that I'll talk to you. I...should have the whole week. I guess...part of me was still worried that...things would be different, this time. You're dependent on me like you used to be. But I should have talked to you about that, as well."

He sighs again, still clinging to Goody like he's the only thing left in the world that can save him. In many ways he is.

"It seems like a dream. Being here. Being able to love you how I always wanted to. Marry you. This second chance always seems like a dream. Part of me....part of me is always just afraid I am going to wake up or ruin it, somehow. I don't know how I can be allowed all of this..."

[intheashes]

Billy turns into his arms. He holds the other man close. He rocks a little, trying to keep the man together just like he had done for him for all these years. He drops kisses to the top of Byeong-Lee's head and murmurs against him. "I don't blame you." Not for what happened 100 years ago, not what happened this week. He'll never blame his lover for an off week. "Just remember that I'm here for you, okay? All you need to do is pull the book out of my hand and sit down and I'll listen to you. Even if you don't speak at all and just need held, I'll do that for you." Because his lover is right. He is fully dependent on Byeong-Lee. He has no job. He has no place to go.

Holding Billy, his Billy, he finds even if he did have anywhere else to go, he wouldn't. He didn't want to go anywhere else. Though he would like to work just to give himself something to do, he wouldn't trade Billy for that.

"Cher... I know. I'm afraid too. I'm scared that tomorrow, I won't be here. I'll still be in Afghanistan, laying in the dirt. All this will have been a hallucination. But I know it's not. This is real. This is real and you aren't going to ruin this. Not this time. I didn't come back just to lose you and you didn't come back just to lose me and..." Then he realizes what Billy said. What Byeong-Lee said and he goes a little red and takes a steadying breath. "And when you propose to me, I'll say yes."

[deadlyhairpin]

Shit.

That hadn't been how he'd wanted to do it. Byeong-Lee shifted, looking up at Goody and wondering, perhaps, if he should let John back in, fully. It was so complicated, sometimes. The push and pull that the two lives in one body had to do.

Sometimes it was seamless, both working as one to create the person they now were. Sometimes, like now, it was just easier to let one take over. The memories to overtake everything else and to let the past live once more. It wasn't really different people, inside. They were still who they were. But the memories. The emotions. All of that was what made them who they were. And it was what could change them to who they needed to be.

"I...will propose better than that," he assures them both, stroking a hand out, across Goody's knuckles. His fingers linger over his ring finger, teasing against the skin, there. "I mean..." His cheeks flushed bright red as he decided he might as well put his cards on the table.

"I have a ring. I'm sure you...probably suspected. That this was coming, at any rate." Or maybe he hadn't. Shit, again. Byeong-Lee closes his eyes and tries to bring Billy back up. He was always smoother. More collected and sure of himself. He was a man of fewer words, but they were always the right ones. Always.

"I had one, back then, too," he says honestly, lifting his head to look at Goody straight on. "Died with it in my pocket. I don't know why I never gave it to you, but I should have. Carried it for almost a year." He sighed, shaking the regrets off. That was then, and this was going to be now.

"But... I'm not going to do that this time. And I know you're going to say yes. But I'm still going to do this properly. I know you, Goody. You are already imagining a proposal with doves and a sunset and a gaggle of people around you to applaud when you say 'Yes'. And you're going to get it. Alright? I'm going to do this right."

[intheashes]

He flushes more when he feels Byeong-Lee's touch against his ring finger. His heart flutters and he's certain that his eyes are a little wet. John wouldn't have been too moved by this, but Goody, Goody is a ridiculous romantic, easily moved to tears by the smallest emotional moment. He tries to keep himself together and not just hug Billy. Not just burst into happy tears that the man would be so prone to. He has to tell himself it's not actually a proposal and he has to go through the strange disassociation between the man he was and the man he is because a part of him thinks that it wouldn't be possible. They could only ever be married in the eyes of each other. Never in the eyes of the people or under the eyes of the god he no longer believed in.

But then Billy says that. Says something he had sort of suspected. He remembered back then. Right towards the end, they had been in a town and Goodnight had taken it upon himself to insure that all their clothing, worn and dusty from the trails went to a proper cleaner. He had never seen Billy panic so badly as when he came up to ask where his clothing was after tossing nearly the entire hotel room looking for them. He can still remember the man tearing out of the room and running to the launderer in town and returning only hours later, looking a little less on edge. At the time, he had just assumed it was because the laundryman had been Korean. He had never thought it was because there had been a ring in his other set of pants.

"...A year...mon coeur... I never knew..." Honestly, he had never thought he would be worthy of such a thing. He had been happy with that they had. With their lives and their years, even if having a ring as proof of their bond would have been very welcome. He hadn't needed it because he had Billy Rocks.

He rolls over until he's straddling Billy. So that he can put his hands on either side of the man's head and just look down at him. He's certain he's too close to tears. "I don't care about sunsets or doves or people. You could have done it in the dirt on the trails. You could have done it while I was brushing Horace or Betsy. I don't need any of that. All I need is you. None of that other stuff matters so long as it's you." He leans down to press smiling lips to Billy's. "Understand. No matter what or how, so long as it's you, I'll says yes. There's no one I'd rather spend my life with."

[deadlyhairpin]

The two of them. As long as it's the two of them. Billy nodded, feeling rather dumb doing so, because of course that would be what Goody thought about. What he felt. Still... "I know that. But I still want to do it right. And I want... I want to make sure that I make it a day and a place that we can both look back on and remember. But it's coming, nae salang. I am able to make you my legal husband, now. And I intend to do so." He smiles and pulls his lover down for a kiss, again.

"You can plan the wedding," he concedes. "Just tell me where to go, where to stand, what to say. I don't care as long as, at the end, you're all mine. And everyone we know and everyone we don't know can see the proof of it on your finger."

The ring he has is tucked away in its box, locked up in the library in a fake book that is labelled with the most boring thing he could think of for it. Hiding things in plain sight usually worked fairly well. Besides, using a book had been half his idea for how to propose. Not now, but some day, certainly.

He turns their bodies, pushing Goody back onto his side and curling up against him.

"I love you. I love both of you. The you from before and the you that I have now. I...am going to do this right. Right for both of you. But until then, well." He tilts his head over and shoots Goody a teasing grin. "It's enough to know that you're so easy.

[intheashes]

It really makes his heart ache to hear that Billy...no. That Byeong-Lee would go to so much trouble for him. It ached in a good way. He understands more and more each day how his former self must have felt for this man. So lucky to have someone who cared so much for him. He can't help but smile. Smile and nod and look forward to the day it happened.

He laughs a little at the acquiescence that he gets to plan the wedding. A part of him thinks of huge Southern weddings but in the end, he knows he doesn't really have all that much in the way of family to attend. Byeong-Lee doesn't either. A huge to do would be terribly wasted. So he gives a sigh and murmurs, "I'll have the base chaplain preform it and I'll wear my dress blues one last time before putting them away for good. And you... You'll have to tell me some Korean traditions between now and then. So I can represent us both."

But he's not going to go hog wild and start planning now, no matter what his romantic poetic heart wants. He's going to wait and make sure they do this like they've done everything else. Together. That doesn't mean however, that he doesn't give Byeong-Lee the weakest little scowl at the tease before cuddling against him more. "Guilty as charged. But only for you."

[deadlyhairpin]

"Better be just for me," he said with a small laugh, turning them over with a small chuckle, starting to kiss along his jawline. He was still too exhausted to put that much effort into it, but just kissing John made him feel a bit more like he was on normal footing. That this was just a normal night instead of one where he'd fallen apart on the floor.

"I can't wait to see what you make for us," he said honestly, blanketing John's body with his own, now. His breath came out in small puffs against his neck, relaxing more and more into the inescapable lure of sleep. After all the excitement of the day, it was impossible for him to really resist it for more than a few more minutes, really. But he was making a grand effort.

"I don't care about any of my old traditions, really. I would rather you have me show up in my boots and my old clothes. Have the wedding we could never have, back when." Part of him was joking, of course. He loved John's uniform nearly as much as he liked his old clothes. But there was something almost poetic about them marrying as Billy and Goody.

But then again, them marrying at all would have them bringing those two along.

He let out a long yawn, letting the topic go as he settled back down and let his eyes shut slowly, comforted by the presence of the man he'd loved once, loved now, and always would love.

"I can't wait for you to be my husband. You were, all those years ago. I want to make it official. Want everyone to know that we're a matched set. Nothing can ever take us apart."